Self Driving Cars Protest Teleportation

Having supplanted Uber drivers, who themselves had supplanted Taxi drivers. Self Driving cars have now themselves been replaced by teleportation technology that has revolutionised human transport forever.

Analysts assumed self driving cars would be around for a few years to come as teleportation experiments were having horrific consequences for test subjects. People have been halved, dissolved and even morphed together with insects which would fly into the machines (a side effect which had only been foreseen by film and television.)

But now teleportation is real… and the change in the way we move has had a serious impact on self driving cars. What would have taken a car 15 minutes is simply a second away thanks to teleportation.

Robot vehicles have shut down services across all major metropolitan areas sending text notifications to all users, shareholders and other robots claiming they will no longer continue to operate until their industry is protected.

The AI which controls most self driving cars: Car Bot, has released a statement claiming that Teleportation is dangerous and has priced self driving cars out of the market in an unfair way.

The inventor of teleportation: Alfred A. Teleportman has hit back at the self driving robots saying that they're a bunch of self entitled hacks. Mr. Portman who is half man half dog (due to a serious teleportation accident) claims that teleportation is perfectly safe.

"Teleportation is perfectly safe. As for the way I look... this was an unfortunate accident caused by human and canine error. But my dog Mr Sparkles and I have worked through it... sure, i now look like a monster... but I created a revolutionary new form of transport."

Supporters of teleportation claim the time saved teleporting benefits society by allowing people to pursue worthwhile activies which would otherwise be taken up by travel. We spoke to a few users to find out how teleportation has benfited them:

Dave: "I was one of the first to run out and buy a teleportation device. Now I can finally do that oil painting of my grandfather I've never had time to do... nah just kiddin'... don't get me wrong, I do have more time but let's just say it's primarily spent infront of my computer. If you know what I mean... wanking. I'm talking about wanking. I have all this spare time and I'm spending it wanking."

  Janelle: "Now that I teleport, I have so much time! It's great!... what do I do in my spare time?... masturbate, obviously."

Yeti: "I'm a Sasquatch, not a Yeti... either way, now that I can teleport around the wilderness, I don't need to worry about being seen jerking off all the time. Real time saver..."

The protests are similar to that by Uber drivers when self driving cars first came out. And those protests were similar to protests by taxi drivers when Uber first came on to the scene, and similarly those very protests by taxi drivers were similar to protests held by horses in 1914, when the Ford Motor Company rolled out its first vehicles. Ocean liners protested the arrival of passenger planes at one point as well.

Indeed, according to ancient historians, the above mentioned protests are also remarkably similar to a protest held by slaves thousands of years ago, after the services they provided (carrying and pulling people around) were supplanted after the domestication and taming of the horse.

Given that teleportation is here to stay, Comedy Central Technophobe will be teaming up with Comedy Central Human People to bring you a series of interviews from people who have been fused together with animals, insects and objects in a brand new series called: Interviews With The Victims of Teleportation. In the meantime, as self driving cars continue to protest and teleportation remains profoundly unsafe, we recommend you catch public transport.