Lettuce Recall Said To Be Master Plan Of Mysterious Super Villain
Packaged and pre-mixed salad has always seemed too good to be true. So Comedy Central Taste Bud wasn’t too surprised when it was revealed that these plastic bags of healthy fun contained dangerous sickness inducing bacteria.
Experts claim the outbreak was caused by contamination but exactly how this occurred is unknown. But now, in this exclusive scoop, Taste Bud can confirm the recall is said to be the final part in the master plan of a mysterious super villain who calls himself: El Tomato.
Earlier today, Comedy Central received a letter from Mr. Tomato along with a photo (see above) which stated the following:
This is my lifes work. I have finally achieved my goal of bringing society to its knees through contaminating a very specific product used by the lazy and overworked. We’ve had it too good for too long… We see it now on the news… people scrambling to get home 10 minutes early to wash and chop whole heads of lettuce, cabbage and bunches of kale. I never thought this would work so well. Every time I would go shopping I would see the weak willed students, parents and yuppies over paying for bags of lettuce and salad mix. But now they must all buy their leafy greens and prepare salad like the rest of us.
Here at Taste Bud we understand time is finite and sometimes it's just not worth wasting perfectly good time and energy chopping rabbit food. Unfortunatly for now, El Tomato seems to have won. But look on the bright side... you can now just skip straight to dessert.
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