Jamie Oliver Signs Million Year Contract With Woolworths
If you're a fan of Jamie Oliver, then strap yourself in, because the "celebrity" "chef" will be here for a very very very long time. The aggressivley obnoxious supermarket chain Woolworths have signed a million year contract with the chef. That's right... years.
As part of the deal, Oliver must continue creating and promoting products for Woolworths for the remainder of his natural life. He will continue to be the face of the marketing while cryogenically frozen, after his subsequent resurrection, during his life as a cyborg, and eventually as a formless entity uploaded into the cloud and singularity.
Woolworths has announced a program to develop the necessary technologies to drastically increase the chef’s life span so he can commit to his contractual obligations.
Oliver’s publicist has released a statement from the chef:
"I look forward to being the face of Woolworths for the foreseeable future and beyond. I look forward to being with you all when we’re old and grey, until death do us part. Beyond that, I will help your children cook, and your children's children, as well as our eventual robot overlords. As the seas rise, and the world is enveloped in environmental and economic catastrophes, widespread armed conflict and a techno-dystopian wasteland, the good people at Woolworths and myself will be there to show the world how to make that perfect roast." - Jamie
As part of the announcement, Oliver has released a list of ‘prototype’ pre-made meals for the future:
Virtual Pork Roast
Sustainable Post-Apocalyptic Chicken Stew
Computer Chips Chips
Cannibal Special (Working Title)
Some see the move as a marketing mistake on behalf of Woolworths. The research and development outlay required to increase the lifespan of one human to a million years old seems both unnecessary and overly ambitious for a national supermarket chain.
Investment analysts, marketing experts, scientists and philosophers have all weighed in on the debate. The costs are in the trillions, and many are sceptical that Jamie Oliver will be able to boost sales to that extent.
Many have also asked why we would want Jamie Oliver to be around for a million years. Skeptics fear that after the first three thousand years Oliver may realise that he has more power than a corporation and start wreaking havoc. But optimistic futurists think it’s a great idea, given his meals are delicious, easy to make, and nutritious for the whole family.
Well Jamie, all the best with your eternal life... here is a guide for surviving the future.
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