Comedy Central's Guide To Your First Week As A Corrupt Cop

Well you’ve made your choice and here you are… but keep your spineless ethically dubious head at ease… here is your guide to your first week as a corrupt cop, if you can make it through the first week then you can kick back and let the money roll in.

Sunday: Image Is Everything. 

The night before your first week, you should think about what kind of crooked cop you want to be. If you’re a beat cop, think about polishing your shoes and your badge… the only dirt on you should be metaphorical. If you’re higher up, you can look a bit more sloppy.

Monday: Keep A Straight Face.

First day, keep quiet and do your job, the associates you agreed to ‘support’ both inside and outside the organisation are fully aware of you… scumbag.

Tuesday: Money Makes The World Go Round. 

On your regular patrol, make sure you establish how bribes and dirty money are handed to you. Consider teaming up with the local newsagent or coffee shop, you can fit a lot of hundreds in a coffee cup or inside a newspaper.

Wednesday: Indulge Your Sweet Tooth.

Around mid week you’ll get a visit from a few shady characters. One of them might be the mayor, so just act cool and read between the lines. If one of them leaves you a cake or pie, make sure you check underneath it for some sweet dollars.

Thursday: Straight Shooters. 

Today you’ll get a visit from someone within Internal Affairs, he’ll make small talk… might have a cup of coffee with you. Just smile and nod, that do-gooder can sniff around all he likes, it’s too early for him to suspect anything, but just be wary.

Friday: On The Job.

End of the week, you might be called out to a crime scene. Make sure you’re the first on the scene so you can tamper with the evidence. Drinks after work with some of the officers might get loose (you need to drink away that guilt) but don’t slip up about any shady business.

Saturday: Day Of Rest.

Being a corrupt cop is a bit tricky at first, a lot of the money you earn on the side can only be used after retirement or while on holiday. Spend the weekend studying how money laundering works so you can cover your tracks you scum bag.

Do’s, Don’ts and Definitely Don’ts:

Do:

Put your feet up whenever possible, you’re on your way to easy street baby.
Threaten people with a smile, don’t be afraid to exert your power, just make sure you’re charming.
Drink heavily, it helps with the shame.

Don’t:

Buy flashy things you clearly can’t afford.
Play golf with a mafia boss while smoking cigars.
Act like you’re best friends with the mayor (even though you are.)

Definitely Don’t:

Get your hands dirty burying a body, your job is to turn a blind eye.
Tell people you’re a corrupt cop.
Give up your associates or double cross them, it never ends well.