Comedy Central’s Guide To Your First Week After Dying
Sunday: Where Are You?
First things first, where are you? Heaven? Hell? The void? We don’t make assumptions because we honestly have no idea what happens after you die. Therefore we feel it’s useful to figure it out for yourself… here are some handy hints:
1. If all you can see is black or white, then you’re in the void. In which case, stop reading this. This doesn't exist... you are nothing and nothing is no-thing.
2. If you’re re-experiencing your entire life from the very beginning then you’re probably seeing your life flash before your eyes just before you die… in which case, this probably isn’t the guide for you, but will be… very soon.
3. You’re in your bedroom. This could mean two things… 1. It was all a dream and you’re alive… or this is possibly purgatory.
4. You're not entirely sure... you think you're alive... but are you? This one is tricky because chances are you've been re-incarnated.
5. You feel great/awful/feel like you don't need to read this guide: Well, it appears you’re either in heaven or hell.
6. The Ghost Option: If none of the above applies to you, then you could be a ghost. There's a couple of ways to figure this out. Refer to the appendix at the end of this article to figure out if you're a ghost.
For the remainder of this article we'll be looking at each day through the lens of one of the above iterations.
Monday: Breathe… or don’t? We honestly couldn’t tell you.
By Monday you might know where you are. At this point, try and settle in…
Life Flashing Before Your Eyes: We recommend enjoying this, if your life is flashing before your eyes you’re still a happy young thing at this point.
Your Bedroom: Hopefully you've left your bedroom and realised it was all a dream... in which case stop reading this. If you can't get out of your bedroom because every door is another entrance back into your room... or sh*t just seems weird. Then you're in purgatory.
Re-Incarnation: If you’ve been reincarnated, chances are you’ll have gained some semblance of self-awareness at this point. If you’re lucky, you might even be human! If not, try and figure out what it is you’re really craving and from there deduce what you are. For example, if you really crave ants… and find that all you’re doing is eating ants. Then you’re probably an anteater.
Heaven/Hell: Having a good time? If yes, don't get too comfortable; Monday is too early in the week to determine if you're in heaven or hell.
Ghost: Try to figure out if there's any unfinished business you need to take care of and go from there.
Tuesday: Three's a party!
It's your third day after dying... three is a lucky number in the cosmos! So expect to see some change.
Life Flashing Before Your Eyes: Remember those hot summer days in high school... walking home at 3:30pm... you might be experiencing that very day today. But don't forget: You're dead.
Your Bedroom: By now you should know if you're in purgatory. Wait it out... you'll probably be there for eternity.
Re-Incarnation: If you know what you've been re-incarnated as, try and enjoy you and what you are. We only say this because for some, life might be short... especially insects. So have a good time!
Heaven/Hell: If you're still figuring out whether you're in heaven or hell, try looking for the following indicators: is it hot? If so, how hot is it?
Ghost: If you're a ghost, have some fun! Walk through some walls, scare a couple of nerds, drive down the price of a house... maybe search for some ghost friends? We recommend checking out some regular haunts like the graveyard or local mental asylum.
Wednesday: Hump day.
Hump day is hard for everyone, even the dead.
Life Flashing Before Your Eyes: University was a time for expanding your mind and finding out who you really are. Some mistakes were made... it doesn't matter any more. The last speck of sand has passed through the hourglass.
Your Bedroom: How can one count down that which has no finite time until expiry?
Re-Incarnation: If you're an ant, here's a hot tip... work with your ant mates! Teamwork always pays off. If you're sick of it and want it all to end, just ditch the colony and wander off in a random direction without turning back.
Heaven/Hell: You should know by now, and there's nothing we can say or do which will help you.
Ghost: By now you'll have a comfortable bearing on whether you enjoy being a ghost or not. Now is a good time to figure out what kind of ghost... spooky, horrific, silent?
Thursday: Getting Into The Groove
Dying is a part of life. Death comes to us all, so when it happens... embrace it! Thursday is always a great day for really exploring your death and looking at where you've ended up.
Life Flashing Before Your Eyes: Adulthood should be a time to start creating meaning in your life. What is your life about? What kind of career have you crafted? Is a family something you would consider? None of these questions are relevant, it's all already happened; you're simply watching it all flash past your eyes before that fateful moment.
Your Bedroom: Look... it could be worse right? Wrong... this is pretty bad. Try eating a pillow.
Re-Incarnation: Are you a great white shark? Feeling bored? Try swimming from the Indian Ocean down past the bottom of Australia, then up the east coast and knock off a few surfers here and there... yum!
Heaven/Hell: Heaven is what you make it, and hell is pretty bad. The important thing is... you learnt something.
Ghost: Don't be a perve. It's very easy for ghosts to get bored and start intruding on the personal lives/habit and environments of the living. Don't be a creep you creep...
Friday: Casual Fridays.
End of the week, make sure you have a drink and celebrate your demise into oblivion.
Life Flashing Before Your Eyes: Middle age and old age flash by quite quickly because your perception of time makes it seem like it goes by faster...
Your Bedroom: Yummy pillow.
Re-Incarnation: On the off chance you came back as a human, you might actually have gained some awareness by now... in which case, round 2! Try not to f*ck up your life as hard as you did last time... you pleb.
Heaven/Hell: The good times keep on rollin'! or the bad times never end.
Ghost: Fridays a good a day to catch up with your ghost mates at the ghost pub after ghost work (see: haunting) and have a ghost beer. We recommend the pale ale... wakka wakka.
Saturday: The Weekend.
The Weekend is a Canadian musician... who is very much alive, unlike you.
Life Flashing Before Your Eyes: You see yourself in your old age and your inevitable death is imminent. The exciting thing about Saturday is you finally discover how exactly it is you died just after (before?) seeing your life flash before your eyes (again?)... the upside? This could be a near death experience… or an infinite loop.
Your Bedroom: Was that a week? A month? Maybe it's still Monday, who knows, it's purgatory mate.
Re-Incarnation: Saturday is a cool day to hang out and chill for all and anything in the universe... which is you! Reincarnation is a pretty sweet deal... sometimes.
Heaven/Hell: Kick back and relax, there's plenty of heaven for everyone or kick back the small demons biting your skin.
Ghost: I can't feel my face when I'm with you... because I'm your ghost girlfriend/boyfriend.
Do’s, Don’ts and Definitely Don’ts:
Stay alive and try and avoid dying.
Make friends with God, Satan or whatever controls your afterlife.
If dead - accept that you're dead... we’re looking at you… ghosts…
Get all arrogant if you've been reincarnated as a hot rich human in a time of peace and prosperity.
Try to start a sexy relationship with your spouse like in the movie Ghost. Let them heal and move on you selfish piece of sh*t.
Piss off Satan.
Piss off God.
Appendix: Are you a ghost?
Our in house ghost specialist here at Comedy Central Life Guides has told us the best way to figure out if you're a ghost is to look for the following signs:
1. You are transparent, if only a little bit. A good litmus test is to look at your hand.
2. When you see a friend or loved one, and you speak to them, all they do is ignore you... all the while with a glazed over look of profound sadness. As if they've lost something.
3. You can walks through physical barriers such as walls, doors (without opening them) and stand in front of moving objects without being hit (trucks, buses etc.)
4. Children react to you in frankly earnest but somewhat unnerving ways.
5. Dogs hate you.
6. You seem to be able to float, and you have a memory of dying in a very specific way.
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