Comedy Central’s Guide To Your First Week After Being Turned To Stone
Being turned to stone isn’t great, but occasionally it happens. Whether you’ve stared at the face of the mythical Greek monster Medusa or taken part in a strange trial for a new drug, being turned to stone can be very inconvenient.
This guide will have you ready for your first week so you know exactly what to do when those pigeons start landing on you.
Sunday: Image Is EverythingWhen you’re turned to stone, you don’t have many options when it comes to changing how you look or the expressions you have. If you know you’re going to be turned to stone, dress nice and make sure you have an idea of what you want your face to look like.
Monday: Keep A Straight FaceThis is particularly important if you’ve been turned to stone for the specific purpose of being a gargoyle. Gargoyles are designed to spout water from a roof and away from the side of a building. Why? So the foundations aren’t eroded, so just shut up and do your job.
Tuesday: SleepThe excruciating boredom should have set in by now. One benefit of being turned to stone is that you can still sleep (we think.) so if you’re dreams are more exciting than staring at the exact same thing all day then we suggest maximising sleep time.
Wednesday: The BirdsBirds will probably start landing on you whenever they get the chance. There’s not much you can do about this. In fact, when you’re made of stone, there’s not much you can do about anything.
Thursday: DoomA sense of doom will start to come over you. You have two options here, try to focus all your energy into toppling yourself over and smashing into a thousand pieces on the ground… or… accepting your fate and learning to love yourself for what you are.
Friday: Casual FridaysIt’s casual Friday, kick back! Feel free to rock up to work in jeans and a t-shirt. The rest of the office will be clocking off early to go get drinks and you know what that means!... oh wait, you’ve been turned into stone… guess casual Friday is mostly irrelevant.
Saturday: ObserveBeing turned to stone sucks. This guide is meant to make you feel good about it but we get it, it’s not great. But look at it this way… as the mortal flesh robots wander this planet slowly decaying, you remain preserved in the infinite matter that is stone. You can observe the world go by knowing that you don’t need to be anywhere or do anything. After all, some of the smartest people in the opted out of life and chose to live embodied in stone:
Do’s, Don’ts and Definitely Don’ts:
Maintain a strong pose.
Make friends with the pigeons.
Avoid getting turned to stone.
Knock yourself over.
Get turned to stone.
Lose hope… who knows, you may get turned back one day.
Get turned to stone.
Wreak havoc at night (if you’re a gargoyle.)
Agree to meet someone for a date, knowing all too well you won’t be able to turn up.
GALLERY: The Top 10 Frames from The Big Lez Show Season 4, Episode 1
The artwork this season is off the charts. Here are our top 10 fav frames...
FRESH: It’s here, Big Lez Show Season 4, Episode 1...
Sit back and take it in, it’s real skits… no actually.
Comedy Central Announce New Weekly Jim Jeffries Show
Comedy Central are bringing more Jim Jeffries to your screens with a brand new weekly show.
FRESH: Another Skitz Trailer from The Big Lez Show Season 4 is Out!
Ring your dealers; season 4 of The Big Lez Show is fast approaching…
Comedy Central Potato Gems: Charlie The Unicorn
As part of our commitment to quality comedy content, we’ve taken some potato gems out of the oven aka. dug up some old school YouTube hits.
3 Legends of Comedy Deal with Hecklers
Check out three legends of the game take on hostile audiences and lone wolf while doing what they do best.
FRESH: The Big Lez Show release Season 4 Trailer
Those skitz boys have something new brewin’
The Daily Show Wrap-Up: Here's What Happened In January 2017
Maybe you've been living under a rock, or maybe you just wish you were. Either way, let's look back on the past month and try to figure out what happened.
A Definitive Guide To All Of Obama's Daily Show Appearances
Two terms, two hosts and eight appearances on The Daily Show. Here's one for the hardcore Barry O fans...
Make Australia Great Again with Rhys Nicholson
Rhys Nicholson advocates for a white genocide.
Here's Your First Look At The Workaholics Season 7 Premiere!
The boys are back for one final season and we have a couple of tasty tidbits to keep the thirst at bay...
So Much Space with Greg Fleet
Comedian Greg Fleet begins an epic tale of space and comedy...