Comedy Central’s Guide To Your First Week After Being Turned To Stone

You’ve fallen on hard times and have turned to stone. Never fear stationary one, Comedy Central will have you ready for your first week existing in one place, forever more. Unless you come back to life… we’ll cover that too.

Thursday, February 18, 2016 - 12:21

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Before we begin: Some readers have emailed in complaining about how they thought this was a guide to Your First Week After Being Turned To Sharon Stone. Unfortunately it’s not. We will however be releasing that guide soon.

Being turned to stone isn’t great, but occasionally it happens. Whether you’ve stared at the face of the mythical Greek monster Medusa or taken part in a strange trial for a new drug, being turned to stone can be very inconvenient.

This guide will have you ready for your first week so you know exactly what to do when those pigeons start landing on you.

Sunday: Image Is Everything

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When you’re turned to stone, you don’t have many options when it comes to changing how you look or the expressions you have. If you know you’re going to be turned to stone, dress nice and make sure you have an idea of what you want your face to look like.

Monday: Keep A Straight Face

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This is particularly important if you’ve been turned to stone for the specific purpose of being a gargoyle. Gargoyles are designed to spout water from a roof and away from the side of a building. Why? So the foundations aren’t eroded, so just shut up and do your job.

Tuesday: Sleep

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The excruciating boredom should have set in by now. One benefit of being turned to stone is that you can still sleep (we think.) so if you’re dreams are more exciting than staring at the exact same thing all day then we suggest maximising sleep time.

Wednesday: The Birds

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Birds will probably start landing on you whenever they get the chance. There’s not much you can do about this. In fact, when you’re made of stone, there’s not much you can do about anything.

Thursday: Doom

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A sense of doom will start to come over you. You have two options here, try to focus all your energy into toppling yourself over and smashing into a thousand pieces on the ground… or… accepting your fate and learning to love yourself for what you are.

Friday: Casual Fridays

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It’s casual Friday, kick back! Feel free to rock up to work in jeans and a t-shirt. The rest of the office will be clocking off early to go get drinks and you know what that means!... oh wait, you’ve been turned into stone… guess casual Friday is mostly irrelevant.

Saturday: Observe

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Being turned to stone sucks. This guide is meant to make you feel good about it but we get it, it’s not great. But look at it this way… as the mortal flesh robots wander this planet slowly decaying, you remain preserved in the infinite matter that is stone. You can observe the world go by knowing that you don’t need to be anywhere or do anything. After all, some of the smartest people in the opted out of life and chose to live embodied in stone:

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Do’s, Don’ts and Definitely Don’ts:

Do:

Maintain a strong pose.
Make friends with the pigeons.
Avoid getting turned to stone.

Don’t:

Knock yourself over.
Get turned to stone.
Lose hope… who knows, you may get turned back one day.

Definitely Don’t:

Get turned to stone.
Wreak havoc at night (if you’re a gargoyle.)
Agree to meet someone for a date, knowing all too well you won’t be able to turn up.