Waterproof Man Says People Should Stop Complaining About The Storms
Allan Umsworth is waterproof. He’s the only one of his kind and a biological anomaly. Mr Umsworth has spent his life staying bone dry… whether he wanted to or not. He has a rare condition known as Evaporitis in which the body instantly evaporates any and all liquid that it comes into contact with. That’s not to say he doesn’t drink water, or that his body isn’t made of water… only that he never gets wet. However he doesn’t sweat and therefore needs to wee a lot or pant constantly (like some kind of human dog.)
Over the weekend, as storms raged and the King Tide sat on his throne (eroding our hopes and dreams) people were staying indoors and some were sadly avoiding destruction. But in the suburb of Beecroft, Mr Umsworth was casually strolling down the street, dry as a dead dingo’s VitaBrits.
Seeing the reactions to the extreme weather on social media, Mr Umsworth kept telling his friends and family that people should get over it. His best friend Gary Munching reported to Comedy Central that Allen had stated:
“Look… I know getting wet sucks… well I don’t know exactly, but I can imagine. Either way, the weather is always changing… like life, so people should stop complaining. It’s just climate change right? If anything, people should get annoyed at Old Man Capitalism, with his fetish for economic growth.”
Many of Allen’s friends and family were annoyed by his comments, they told us that they have to constantly remind him that getting wet is very annoying. His mother also felt that joking about it in this specific case was somewhat insensitive. We contacted Mr Umsworth for further comment and he simply emailed back with:
“If you’ve found yourself drenched over the weekend, then grab a towel and dry yourself off. I’d lend you one, but I don’t own any. I do have a few umbrellas though, I actually collect them because I think they look funny.”
Mr Umsworth uses his Evaporitis to make a living. He’s had all sorts of people either do research on him or ask him to work on projects. The military have studied him in to develop state of the art wet suits and water balloon companies ask him to do publicity stunts. On a darker note, various witch doctors have travelled to Australia to try and skin him and harness his body for black magic.
Mr Umsworth still seems oblivious as to why his comments this weekend seemed to irritate so many people. We can only assume that being waterproof kind of makes you a jerk.
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