Make Australia Great Again with Rhys Nicholson

As a 26 year old white, cis gendered male with a job in show business and no university education, I feel it’s my right and also my duty to lecture you about racially charged issues. Because if not me, than who else?

We are all living in troubled times. We are all under attack. To quote a 2004 Dancing with The Stars runner up and convicted felon, “we are at risk of being swamped”. We can no longer sit back and feel safe in this wide brown land we acquired.

We’ve been warned but I’m just not sure anyone is taking it seriously… the boats are coming. The boats are inundating our shores. They are fiercely bombarding our country and we need to stop them. It’s been happening for years. They arrive by the thousands polluting our happy and simple way of life.

I feel I can speak about this with a well-informed opinion because I’ve been in the belly of the beast. I’ve felt the hand of evil in my pocket, for I have been on one of these boats. I have performed on a cruise ship.

My name is Rhys Nicholson, and I’ve looked the devil in the eye. Rich, fat, bloated, elderly white people dripping in pastels are invading these lands.  They come here from interstate; they eat our food, soil our beaches and wear zinc on their noses (which I’m sure you’d agree is the most offensive face covering of all.) The rich whites arrive in their masses by boat, by plane and by helicopter. Some wear beige pantsuits, big hats and spend their own money while others wear Thai fisherman’s pants, finger bang our youth and spend their parents money. They say MelbORne, BrisBANE, Circular Kw-ay. They’re aren’t even learning the fucking language.

To quote a 2004 Dancing with The Stars runner up and convicted felon, “we are at risk of being swamped”. We can no longer sit back and feel safe in this wide brown land we acquired.

This modern wave of rich whites taking over is the greatest threat we’ve had upon these shores since, well, the last time rich white people took over the country. Now look, I’m sure you’re thinking “Rhys, what nice cheek bones you have”. Thank you, but I’m kind of in the middle of something right now. This really isn’t the time for that. We’ll talk later.

I’m sure you’re also thinking “But what can we do? How can we stop them? I watch Q and A, I own an AIME hoodie, surely that’s enough… what else can I do?”. Well done for making peace with your own white privilege. Coming to terms with it and moving on is surely the greatest white privilege of all. However, there is something we can do.

If I may, I would like to take you through my 63-step plan on how to keep our nation safe. I’ll be honest; steps 1 through 60 are mostly my personal hair care tips, so I’ll skip straight to point 61.

61. Full registration and ear tagging of all Anglo citizens of the world: As we know, the rich whites travel in packs and it’s a good idea to keep track of their seasonal migration patterns. You may think this is an extreme measure, but think of it this way: Australia, South Africa and Thirsty Merc are all proof that nothing good has ever come from a bunch of white people turning up somewhere. White moving to far off locations also results in two very bad side effects: parades and museums.

Take a parade for example; when you see a parade that involves people of color you think… “Wow, something amazing is happening here”. When it’s an all white parade it’s usually grainy stock footage with an old timey voice over saying something along the lines of “Well everyone agrees; we shan’t let this happen again”.

This fact is further proven by museums. Go to any museum, ANY MUSEUM. I went on a members tour of the British museum last year, which (by the way) is in BuzzFeeds top 10 whitest sentences (closely followed by “Is this quince paste off?” and “Mine!”)

Nothing makes you realise how terrible we white people are, like a museum. Museums are big shiny pawn brokers full of stuff white people “liberated”. At the end of every exhibit I felt like the guide was about to say: “Also, we stole this”… anyway… on to step 62.

62. Global legalisation of euthanasia – Here’s a completely made up statistic: Over 82% of cruise ships accommodate the elderly and infirm, these “ship people” clearly want to die. Nothing says kill me like booking a two-week stay on a floating petri dish of loud shirts and food served through sneeze guards. These people are like cats that’ve been hit by the car of life. It’s our responsibly to put them out of their misery.

“But what can we do? How can we stop them? I watch Q amd A, I own an AIME hoodie, surely that’s enough… what else can I do?”

But Rhys, we get this is a joke… we whites love satire. Shouting into an echo chamber makes us feel better about the bad stuff we’ve done and continue to do. But what about those dangerous illegal immigrant brown people? Won’t they steal our jobs?

Ok for a start, I am not at all joking. Everything I’ve said I believe. You think asylum seekers are going to start stealing our jobs? Has the silver spoon in you mouth blocked the passage of oxygen to your brain? I don’t know if you’ve been to a cafe, or a restaurant, or a work site or anywhere recently but you know who’s stealing our jobs? Backpackers. That’s who’s stealing our jobs. It’s not the boat people that we should be worried about, it’s fucking plane people.

Backpackers are worse than cruise people. With their nose rings and dreadlocks,  back packers are rich white people pretending to be poor black people. Oh you came here to pick fruit and find yourself? On your gap year from your degree in philosophy you only took to upset your wealthy parents? Because they don’t understand do they? You’re the voice of a generation. They’ll see, they’ll all see. Nah mate, this is what’s going to happen: You’re going to come here, pick some oranges, decide you’re above that, run out of money, illegally work at a cafe, sexually disappoint four women who work at that cafe, then go home back to your country, lie to all your friends about the amazing time you had and how you see things so clearly now, get a job in finance at your fathers firm, and come back to this country in 20 year on a fucking cruise ship and the cycle starts again.

God I hate backpackers. OWNING A BAG AND BLOG DOESN’T MAKE YOU IMPORTANT! You’re just a Catriona Rowntree no one’s looking at. Which is exactly why I think Ivan Milat was a social visionary.

Speaking of Ivan Milat, for my final step, I suggest we elect him to some sort of parliamentary role. I mean sure, his tactics may have been a little unorthodox and yes he has absolutely no experience working for government but he says what he thinks and sticks to his guns (literally). He had a vision of a cleaner, less sunburnt country, and he’s going to Make Australia Great Again.

So there you have it, personally I feel like I could fix the country. You may think these ideas are a little full-on, you know, targeting an entire race or culture based on massive and for the most part unfounded generalisations. You’d be right. It DOES sound crazy.

Rhys Nicholson is a comedian, follow his good times here.

Illustrations by Cyrus Bezyan.