Greasy Screens with Becky Lucas (Part 3)
In Australia, more and more women are choosing to live alone without a partner and pursue professions over having a family. This group of dedicated women order pizza and pasta to their front door and send group texts with their friends. These are their stories.
A quick recap: Becky, Jessie and Hannah went out to their local bar where they ran into their annoying engaged friends Kat and Jacob. The whole purpose of the trip was to try and 'run into' Jack but he never showed up. Later that night he sends an aloof text and Becky responds by accidentally FaceTimeing him. Her phone freezes and he was left staring at a grotesque face angle.
Whilst sitting in a park at lunchtime, I've managed to burn my upper thigh with the cheese dripping down from my pizza. The whole thing was witnessed by a bunch of girls in a running group. One girl with a very shiny ponytail said 'whoopsies' to me and kept running and another girl smiled at me like I was busking and she had no change.
It's really burning. I might try and run it under some cold water but I honestly don't know if I can face the indignity of crouching under a tap right now. The reason I'm in a park is because I'm waiting to meet Jessie after her uni class so we can go to the shops. We're meeting Hannah there because we all need outfits for Kat and Jacob's engagement party which is being held on a boat (ffs).
Jessie approaches me and without saying hello just launches into conversation 'you know I've always secretly hated those photos of bridesmaids before the wedding, all of them sitting around, drinking mimosas and getting their nails done, I'm not sure if it's jealousy or disgust but it's always rubbed me the wrong way'. I vaguely murmur in agreement but my mind still firmly focused on my burnt thigh.
The truth is I'm still reeling from my FaceTime incident with Jack (I've started calling it my FTI as opposed to an STI) and I'm just waiting for the appropriate amount of time before I can rehash the incident. 'I just want to know if I can play it off as a funny thing? I mean personally if some guy FaceTime'd me at 2am I would call the cops'. Jessie shrugs in a noncommittal way, 'oh look there's Hannah' she says. She seems pretty grateful to not have to deny nor confirm me being a psycho.
We all bought dresses we sort of liked, but none of us wanted to stay any longer than necessary. We had to really get out of there when Hannah threatened to slap a shop assistant because the girl kept whipping open the curtain and saying 'show us, show us, come on babe, show us'. It was high drama and I loved it. Pretty sleepy now though.
I can't have a nap because I have work to do so I'll just sit here for a while and regain my strength. Maybe I'll watch a few episodes of something.
Just got a text from Hannah
The washing machine seems to be doing that thing again where it floods. Jack obviously didn't fix it properly. Stupid Jack who I love.
Just emailed the landlord explaining the problem, would it be weird to ask if they can send a different plumber around? Would be too embarrassing to see Jack after the FTI.
Aargh. Landlord emailed back just saying 'We'll send Jack back tomorrow to look at it, will confirm time.'
Alarm goes off.
Alarm goes off.
Alarm goes off
Receive text from landlord telling me Jack will be there at 11.
Spring out of bed and try to clean the house, I have to get rid of all the chip packets. Why are there so many chip packets?
I get dressed into an outfit that makes me look like I'm not trying but also displays how casually good I can look just hanging around the home. I have to duck out to the laser hair clinic and be back before he arrives.
The lady at the laser hair removal place calls my name and I walk into the room. It all seems so formal and weird considering I just need one hair removed. 'It's just one hair!' I say a bit too loudly and she smiles. She doesn't believe me. I tip my neck back and reveal the problem hair. She walks over to me wearing a full length white lab coat 'ah yes, we see this a lot in our profession' she says. In my head I'm thinking 'in your profession? Calm down, you're not a doctor'. She had the air of a security guard who couldn't get into the police force. She brings a big laser machine thing over my neck and begins zapping the hair. There is no pain but for a second I feel bad for my little hair. It's not his fault he grew in an unwanted area, he tried his best despite all odds, like a flower that springs up from the concrete pavement.
I pay my bill and walk home.
He'll be here any minute. What should I do? Should I pretend to be on the phone when he arrives? Or in front of my laptop pretending to send emails?
I hear a knock at the door. It's Jack. Hey! How are you? I say with a smile that I've never done before. 'Yeah good, how are you?' Jack replies. 'I'm good, good, good, good, good, good' (omg am I having a stroke?)
He laughs and says 'How was your night the other night? Sorry I didn't end up meeting up with you guys, I was really tired, I think I FaceTime'd you? Or you FaceTime'd me? My phone is fucked, sorry about that'. My body visibly relaxes, 'oh that's all good, I completely forgot about that but yeah…'
This is great news. Thank god for iPhones constantly having technical problems! I hope they never sort out any glitches otherwise the whole dating excuse world will crumble
I go and sit in my room and plan my next move. Maybe I'll try and kiss him and then in a fit of passion we'll have shower sex. Urgh no I don't even like shower sex, the whole time I just worry that my expensive cleanser is going to fall off the shelf and smash. Okay I'll go down and just see what I come up with, here I go…
So what's happening with this washing machine anyway? (Oh good, very original)
'I don't really know, there's some problem with the pipe underneath the floor, it might be a blockage, I'll have to test it. Such bullcrap! he says.
I nervously giggle and reach for my phone.
Becky Lucas is a comedian, writer,🐀 and fervent tweeter.
Illustrations by Cyrus Bezyan.
Comedy Central is Bringing Back the Ultimate Comedy Festival: Clusterfest
The three day festival of comedy, music, installations that is the ultimate Clusterfu-fest...
12 Questions With Guy Williams
NZ Comedian Guy Williams loves (and hates) being interviewed... here are some more thoughts from him on that very topic.
12 Questions With Rose Matafeo
Ahead of our festival in NZ, we asked Rose Matafeo some questions about comedy, comedy and comedy...
11 Questions with Guy Montgomery
Curious about the life of a comedian? Here are 11 questions we asked to get some insights ahead of our festival across NZ!
Guess Jimmy Carr’s One Liners and Win Tickets to his Live Stand Up Show!
How well do you know Jimmy Carr’s comedy? Find out and you could win a double pass to his latest show!
NZ is Getting A Summer Comedy Festival...
Hold on to your jaws… Comedy Central is presenting a comedy festival In New Zealand across four big nights.
Fans of The Big Lez Show Voted on the next Spin Off... Here are the Results!
We asked you which character should get a spin off and your answers were skitz…
Spot The Toy & Win Some Of LoveHoney's Broad City Goodies
Think you know your lipsticks from your pocket rockets? Take our challenge and you could win a whole bunch of Broad City sex toys…
The Jim Jefferies Shows Podcast Is Out!
You read right… Jim Jefferies has launched a podcast series based off his Comedy Central show The Jim Jefferies Show.
Win A Signed Skateboard From The Creators Of The Big Lez Show
Want to be the proud owner of one of these boards? Here's how...
GALLERY: Every New Sasquatch in The Big Lez Show
A tribute to some new furry friends…
There’s Now A Kiwi Sasquatch in The Big Lez Show…
He travelled across the Tasman… on his stand up paddle board.