<img height="1" width="1" style="display:none" src="https://www.facebook.com/tr?id=941456192620338&ev=PageView&noscript=1" /> Boredom with Rhys Nicholson | Comedy Central Australia & New Zealand Skip to main content
  • Shows
  • Stand Up
  • Local Series
    • SIS
    • The Mike Nolan Show
    • Gocsy's Classics
    • Aunty Donna: Trendy
    • Nippers Of Dead Bird Bay
    • No Experience Necessary
    • These New South Whales
  • TV Guide
  • Search
Home
  • Shows
  • Stand Up
  • Local Series
    • SIS
    • The Mike Nolan Show
    • Gocsy's Classics
    • Aunty Donna: Trendy
    • Nippers Of Dead Bird Bay
    • No Experience Necessary
    • These New South Whales
  • TV Guide
  • Search

Human People

  • Main
  • Videos
  • Pictures
  • Articles

Boredom with Rhys Nicholson

Rhys Nicholson talks about his boring sex life and why that makes him better than you.
  • Share to Facebook
  • Tweet to Twitter
  • Share to Google plus
Tuesday, October 25, 2016 - 16:24

I’m super boring. Why yes, that is a terrible way to start this, thank you, but it’s true. It’s something I’ve come to terms with over the past few years. We all wish we were go getters and interesting people but if we’re honest at least 90% of us are not unlike a 12 year old clarinet player busking at a craft market: we’re doing our best, but no one would notice if we weren’t there.

I don’t like putting myself out there and doing things anymore. Sometimes I think I’m not really saying yes to life so much as saying no to death. I don’t listen to loud music, go on roller coasters or eat left over take away after 2 days. The last time I genuinely felt in danger was when the midday TV slot of Murder She Wrote was moved to 3pm (on a side note, I have absolutely no doubt that Jessica Fletcher did all the murders in that show. I have solid proof but the police won’t reply to my emails).

My intimate life is no different. When it comes to sexy sex time things I devote most of the act to just being quietly pleased to be there. I’m not into any kind of kinky funny business. That’s all for the birds (the perverted birds, like ibis’ or pelicans.) With my boyfriend and I it’s just straight up, plain ol’ butt stuff, yes-sir… no-frills-anal all the way. I don’t care what you crazy hetero people do with your choice of orifice in the privacy of your own bedroom, but it’s none of my business and I don’t care to hear about it. Quite often I will be asked by dip-shits if I’m the boy or the girl in my gay relationship. Well, we’re both men. That’s kind of the point, we’ve been together for six years and that blows straight people minds.

"I don’t care what you crazy hetero people do with your choice of orifice in the privacy of your own bedroom, but it’s none of my business and I don’t care to hear about it."

Gay couples seem so exotic to straight people. They can’t imagine what we get up to behind closed doors (spoiler alert: it’s mostly eating.) We are not exotic, we’re boring… listen, I’m in a long term monogamous relationship so I’ll be banging missionary (yes that's possible for two dudes) with my pajama bottoms still on one of my feet. Why? So they can be easy to put back on and so I can get back to my iPad crossword as soon as possible.It’s called being an adult you guys. Recently I called my boyfriend my partner at a dinner party. Is there not a more disgustingly boring, white middle class word than “partner”? I have no idea when I started saying that but saying it makes me feel like I’ve had to come out to my parents, again, but this time as a mature age lesbian. The price of all these new comfortable shoes and hardware supplies has been an absolute nightmare.

I am my boyfriend’s first boyfriend; sometimes I think I was a bet. I have no idea what he’s getting out of me, this rich tapestry of shit, this coat of many failures. I should say at this point I am quite bad at sex (I’M A KEEPER RIGHT.) Well I’m not monstrously bad, I can get the job done. But I’m bad enough that I use phrases like “get the job done”. The problem is I’m not smooth, never have been, I have sex like I’m trying to earn points in Tekken. I pick a move that works and I stick to my guns till it’s over.

"Quite often I will be asked by dip-shits if I’m the boy or the girl in my gay relationship. Well, we’re both men. That’s kind of the point."

I was just never built for the dating scene. I’m built for sitting, eating and telling someone why they’re wrong, I met my one before tinder. We met the old school way: I dug a hole and put some leaves over it and just waited. We actually met at a party, in person. I knew what his voice sounded like before I saw his junk, so romantic, Casa Blanca eat your heart out. I have to admit I use Tinder but in my real life. Tinder in real life is where you slap someone over the face left or right depending on their looks, it can hurt some feelings but I highly recommend.

I mean look, all this is not to say I haven’t put myself out there and gotten some proper carnal work done. Once I’d turned 17, I spent the better part of five years wandering the earth like some sort of adult Sailor Moon villain on pingers who grew stronger and stronger from giving wristies to strangers. On two separate occasions I blew dudes on public tennis courts. I would use sentences like “Enough of this kissing bullshit, lets move on to something real”.  I was like the kid on your street with a Nintendo - everyone’s friend. Then at some point something snapped, I just got bored of being a human coitus game. I didn’t have the capacity to date like that, I wanted to learn someone’s name.

I’ll never understand polyamory, It’s like that old joke: “How do you know if someones in an open relationship. Don’t worry, they’ll tell you”. We get it guys; you’re cooler than us penguin people with our nest and our loose relationship bodies. Now please stop telling me about the time you had sex for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I’m eating.

"Once I’d turned 17, I spent the better part of five years wandering the earth like some sort of adult Sailor Moon villain on pingers who grew stronger and stronger from giving wristies to strangers."

To be clear I don’t mean that in a judgey-mcjudge-judge-face kind of way. I genuinely respect it as a way of running things, but what I do not understand is where you find the time and strength to have more than one person on the go. And what about all the up keep? I haven’t been sexually presentable for over three years yet we have sex most days because we have male sex drives, we’ve both let ourselves go and we’re on the same lease. I can’t imagine maintaining a datable condition.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is if you’ve related to anything in this article, you’re probably boring. And you’ve gotten to the end of this article, so you’re most likely very boring. But like, that’s fine, whatever, who gives a f*ck? I’ve taken up shoplifting because no one notices, give it a try.

Seriously though if you have any connections to someone I can talk to about the Jessica Fletcher murders, gimme a buzz.

Rhys Nicholson is a comedian, follow his good times here.

Illustrations by Cyrus Bezyan.

  • Share to Facebook
  • Tweet to Twitter
  • Share to Google plus

Latest Articles

Win Tickets To Jim Jefferies' Aussie Tour PLUS Meet The Man Himself!

Attention die-hard Jim Jefferies fans: Here's how you can meet old mate...

Check Out The Star-Spangled Stand-Up Tour Coming to Sydney and Melbourne!

Want 2 for 1 tickets to some of America’s freshest talent touring Oz?

Win A Comedy Central Snack Box To Celebrate 420!

To celebrate the 20th of April, we’ve created a snack box like no other.

Yippee Ki-Roast, Mother F@$%ers! Bruce Willis Is Comedy Central's Next Roastee!

“This ain’t the first time I’ll be tied to a chair and held hostage by a group of humorless assholes for a couple hours,” - B. Willis.

Celebrate Pi Day By Winning Tickets To Jonathan Pie's Live Show!

It's a day to celebrate pi, eat lots of pie, and win tickets to Jonathan Pie! You're welcome.

Tell Us Your Most Extreme Fast Food Combo & Win Tickets To Jim Gaffigan's Live Stand Up Show!

What's the craziest junk food combination you can think of? Get creative and you could win a double pass to his latest show!

Comedy Central is Bringing Back the Ultimate Comedy Festival: Clusterfest

The three day festival of comedy, music, installations that is the ultimate Clusterfu-fest...

12 Questions With Guy Williams

NZ Comedian Guy Williams loves (and hates) being interviewed... here are some more thoughts from him on that very topic.

12 Questions With Rose Matafeo

Ahead of our festival in NZ, we asked Rose Matafeo some questions about comedy, comedy and comedy...

11 Questions with Guy Montgomery

Curious about the life of a comedian? Here are 11 questions we asked to get some insights ahead of our festival across NZ!

Guess Jimmy Carr’s One Liners and Win Tickets to his Live Stand Up Show!

How well do you know Jimmy Carr’s comedy? Find out and you could win a double pass to his latest show!

NZ is Getting A Summer Comedy Festival...

Hold on to your jaws… Comedy Central is presenting a comedy festival In New Zealand across four big nights.

Trending Articles

Best Of: Inside Amy Schumer Fake Ads #1

The Best Of Randy Marsh #2

Three of the Best Clarence Episodes from The Big Lez Show

5 Of The Best Heckler Takedowns By Awesome Comedians

Where Does Food Come From?

A Definitive Guide To All Of Obama's Daily Show Appearances

Which Character From The Mike Nolan Show Are You? Take This Quiz To Find Out!

Mr Garrison At His Greatest #1

SIGN UP TO OUR NEWSLETTERS FOR A WEEKLY DOSE OF LOL-WORTHY CONTENT!

  • Contact Us
  • Comedy on Fetch TV
  • Comedy on Sky
  • Advertise
  • Terms & Conditions of Use
  • Privacy Policy
  • Collection Statement
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
Hit us with some keywords!