Workouts To Get You Fit For Summer But Might Kill You Before Summer
Summer is coming and it’s time to get fit. Summer bodies are all elusive, and by that we mean they require hard work and effort to maintain. No pain, no gain… but never fear, but also fear, because these workouts will both guarantee you a summer body and will also kill you before you can crawl home and look in the mirror.
Do 100,000 push-ups with no breaks - push-ups are hard, if you can do 100,000 then you’ll be well on your way to a summer body. Before you collapse after 23 push ups, make sure you acknowledge that unless you hit 100,000, you’re a failure.
Go on a 40-hour non-stop run - An early morning start will work best given how long 40 hours is. Running is a great cardio workout and burns fat, but don’t stop, or you’ll fail. Drink plenty of water, and keep on chugging along; you’ll eventually pass out.
Wrestle a Crocodile - Wrestling a prehistoric lizard is a sure fire way to develop upper body strength and get a full back workout. The cardio in the water will have you riding waves on the beach all summer. Keep in mind, if you do make it out alive, your summer body may be missing a limb or three.
Starve Yourself - Everyone has abs! The word ‘abs’ comes from abdominal muscles (from abdominus muscelus, the Latin term for "popular in the mainstream.") The best way to get abs is to reduce your body fat, and the best way to lose body fat is to simply not consume anything. Not eating anything will force your body to eat itself, and invariably you’ll get that desired six pack (but not before you dehydrate and lose your mind.)
Start Fights on a Regular Basis - A good old-fashioned brawl is a great way to get a full body workout. Depending on your skill level, you may find yourself being beaten up regularly, but soon enough you’ll become tough as nails. The zumba-esque nature of pub brawls and street fights is also a great high intensity social activity.
Get yourself Kidnapped, held Prisoner and then escape - Being kidnapped will improve your level of discipline, especially with your diet, depending on how little you're fed. The depression brought on by a loss of hope will soon pass and make way for a hardened determination to break free. If you’re lucky, your captor will have a moat to swim and/or jump over. Move over marathons and triathlons, getting kidnapped is a great way to get an iron man body!
So there you have it, hopefully these workouts will get you fit for summer and make your body super fit and looking great for the casket and eventual burial by loved ones. A summer body will make going to the beach a joy. You’ll no longer have to worry about taking your shirt off or getting into those cool swimmers because you’ll be ripped, toned, horrifically scarred and feelin’ sexy.
Comedy Central doesn't recommend you try any of the above. If you don't feel like working out, check out some very excellent bite-sized stand up instead:
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