Comedy Central’s Guide To Your First Week Being Raised By Wolves
So a pack of wolves have found you and will now raise you out in the wilderness. Before starting your new life as a wolf boy or girl, you’ll need to make it through the first week!
Wolves can’t speak human, and you can’t speak wolf, so show you’re one of the team by collecting things wolves will need to raise you: sticks, berries or anything from an abandoned camp site. Be careful though, human items might one day give flashbacks and make you say something along the lines of “human...not wolf?”.
Monday: Making Friends.
Make sure the leaders in the pack are happy to have you there. You might have been picked up by some beta wolf, and now the alphas can smell blood. Consider going on a hunt or marking your territory (this means you should piss in specific locations around the area you now live.)
Tuesday: Hunt To Kill.
If you didn’t go hunting on Monday, go on Tuesday. Hunting with wolves might be tricky at first given the physical limitations, but keep at it! Hunting is a great team building exercise and will release endorphins.
Wednesday: Parental Love.
You should be accepted into the clan by now, your father and mother figures will have brought you fresh meat from the latest hunt and it’s time to get mystical. Wolves don’t have religion, but a spiritual bond will begin around mid-week.
Thursday: Feelin' pretty good.
Well done Claw (or whatever your new wolf name is), you are now 90% wolf boy. Your ability to speak any sort of intelligible human language should have faded. Start perfecting growls, howls, and grunts. If you stumble upon campers, freak them out.
Wolves take Fridays off, so kick back and relax. Lie by the river, wander the forests, don’t have flash backs to your past life and enjoy the fact you’re being raised by wolves.
There’s one last hurdle. One of two things will happen: 1. You suddenly snap back to reality, realise you’re a human and run away as fast as possible or 2. One of the big alphas realises you don’t belong and tries to rip you to pieces. You’ll most likely make it out alive, but sharpen a stick or rock and keep it close. Regardless of what happens, you’ll need it.
Do’s, Don’ts and Definitely Don’ts:
Go hunting as soon as possible.
Reduce the amount of clothing you have on, fur probably won’t grow on your body but no wolf wants to raise some dude wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Claw, bite and growl at things. Only shed blood for the pack and no one else.
Wander off or bail when the pack encounters a bear.
Change your mind and decide you want to be raised by bears, once a bear smells wolf on you, you’re finished.
Try to discuss leaving, wolves can’t speak english, if you really want to leave - slip away quietly in the night.
Try to establish yourself as the leader, you’ll get eaten alive.
Spend your time crawling on all fours, the wolves will know you’re not full wolf, so try to chill out and be more human like from time to time.
Try to bring back other humans to join your wolf family, being raised by wolves is only romantic if it’s one human being raised by a pack of wolves. Anymore and it’s kind of weird, ya know?
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