Comedy Central’s Guide To Your First Week On The Job

It’s your first week on the job. Never fear fresh faced man, woman or child: here at comedy central we have you covered.

What is a job? Just in case you’re reading this article for the wrong reasons. A job is traditionally a paid position of regular employment. If this isn’t what you thought a job was, feel free to click away to a more relevant “Comedy Central First Week Guide” Also, if you happen to be a sociopath, don’t bother reading this, you’ll be fine.

Sunday: The Calm Before The Storm.

It’s the day before your first week, if you gained this job through nepotism make sure you’re genuinely qualified for the role. Otherwise, relax and enjoy your last day of freedom before becoming an insignificant cog in the soulless corporate machine you have chosen to submit to.

Monday: First Impressions.

Day one. First impressions last, so make sure you over dress. Every job has a uniform (even jobs that require you be naked) so make sure you dress right. It’s always better to over dress than under dress. If you’re job requires a suit, wear two. If you’re a chef, bring your own set of knives and if you’re a hit man or spy make sure your fake moustache matches your wig.

Tuesday: Consolidate.

Day two, hopefully you made a good impression on day one, It’s time to consolidate. Limit small talk with co-workers to two topics (with one being about that local sports team) and maintain eye contact for 20% less than you did on day one… you have important work to be doing.

Wednesday: It's All In The Look.

By Wednesday you should be aware of whether co-workers like you or not. The looks you’ve been getting are now of clear judgment. Use the following as a rough guide:

This look means: Good job, but if you upstage me one more time I’ll spread vicious rumours about you.

If you’re getting this look it means they think you’re an idiot.

Start looking for another job.

This is Ryan Gosling, if you're getting a look from him, the first question you should ask yourself is "Why are you talking to Ryan Gosling?" 

Thursday: Great Job!

You’ve made it this far, great work. Hopefully you’ve been getting some positive looks and hearing good things. By this point you should be aware of how competent you are, feel free to start flirting with any interns (what could possibly go wrong?)

Friday: End Of Le Road.

End of the week, you made it. Friday drinks can get loose, so don’t over do it…unless you’re planning to quit the following week in which case get loose and burn everything. Hot tip: If super angry, throw a brick through the windshield of your boss’ car.

Saturday: Good Tiimes.

Everything in life is relative. You will enjoy Saturday because you won't be at work, but ironically, you need to experience work in order to appreciate your Saturday.

Dos, Don’ts and Definitely Don’ts:

Do:
Smile and be a normal human being.
Help out whenever possible.
Show that you’re keen.

Don’t:
Try too hard to network.
If working for the mafia, don’t be a rat.
Bring your weird pet to work because you feel insecure about how interesting you are.

Definitely Don’t:
Commit fraud of any kind.
Storm into the CEO’s office and demand a raise.
Try to indoctrinate your co-workers into your: cult/clan/separatist militia.

There you have it, a guide to your first week on the job. Enjoy your work and be passionate, as long as you love what you do, you’ll do great…unless you’re inept.