Comedy Central's Guide To Your First Week On Neighbourhood Watch

The police have failed you, crime in your neighbourhood is at an all time high and gangs of hoodlums wander your streets. It’s time to take matters into your own hands and become the leader of a neighbourhood watch group.

Sunday: Lock 'n' Load!

Day one, you need a good collection of weapons. Thankfully guns have been banned in Australia but that doesn’t mean you can’t use any of the following: iron bars, cricket bats or a rolled up magazine.

Monday: Make Some Friends.

On monday you should try and recruit three to four members to help you with patrols. Martial arts enthusiasts, people with big muscles and people who own large dogs are all good options. However, try and think outside the box, a sociopath might be good to have on board as well.

Tuesday: Research.

Once you have weapons and a gang, go door to door and talk to your neighbours to try and gauge what sort of crime they may have experienced, try to avoid family feuds and stick to robberies, vandalism and taking out rival gangs.

Wednesday: Push Back.

By now you might be experiencing either support or resistance depending on how good you are at your job. The actual police might arrive and shut you down, depending on how corrupt they are and how well resourced your gang is consider the following options: bribery, violent confrontation or simply go underground… for now.

Thursday: It's A Numbers Game.

Congratulations, if you’ve made it this far then you’ve probably inspired or incited fear, respect or both amongst the community. Crime should have dropped approximately twenty seven percent. It’s time to consolidate.

Friday: Spring Clean.

Your lieutenants and soldiers are either supporting you or plotting behind your back, after Friday drinks, consider a purge. Make sure you bury the bodies and take care of the families.

Saturday: Kick Back.

Congratulations, you’ve made it through your first week on neighbourhood watch. Hopefully your community is a safer and happier place than it was last week. Don’t be too put off if it didn’t all go as planned, taking the law into your own hands is a challenging but fundamentally rewarding experience.

Do’s, Don’ts and Definitely Don’ts:

Do:
Reward your soldiers.
Establish an intricate system for punishing detractors.
Uphold your purpose.

Don’t:
Let neighbouring watch groups encroach on your territory.
Sleep without a weapon next to your bed.
Lose face at any point

Definitely Don’t:
Give up and call the police.
Let punk kids talk about you behind your back.
Lose faith in the fact that what you’re doing is ethically and morally sound.