Study Finds Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees, But Exploitative Capitalist Institutions Can Make It

The University of Australian Territories has just released the findings of a decades long study into whether money grows on trees. The findings conclusively found it impossible to grow legitimate forms of national currency via any sort of horticultural or botanical applications. Trees are incapable of producing legal tender in this fashion.

The experiments involved the cultivation of a plot of land in which various denominations of currency were sewn together with the seeds of various species of tree and then buried in fertile soil, watered and tendered to regularly. As a control, the scientists then decided to use a similar plot of land to build a factory that produced relatively cheap footwear of moderate or questionable quality. The footwear was made by unskilled labour, and marketed via the Internet.

After a year, various types of tree had grown but no money had grown on these trees. The factories however had yielded healthy profits and made the researchers wealthy enough for them to conclude the research study.

The researchers discovered that exploitative capitalist institutions are nonetheless able to grow and retain large amounts of money by taking advantage of both skilled and unskilled labour. Via the creation of goods and services, these institutions sell their products at a higher price than it cost them to make or deliver the good or service, all the while paying their workers as little as possible.

These institutions are, for the most part owned by shareholders and can conduct money-growing across state and international borders. The researchers discovered that it was through private ownership, entrepreneurship, innovation and intellectual property that many institutions flourished. However the overwhelming majority of the money grown was produced via the exploitation of both labour and land (by way of environmental degradation.)

Many have hailed the findings as ground breaking. However economists, social scientists and philosophers are puzzled as to why people are so excited by what is essentially a Marxist analysis of a garden bed and a medium sized factory.