Fruit Lobby Finally Recognises The Superiority of Candy
Disclaimer: Comedy Central Australia acknowledges that no one in Australia actually uses the word candy.
In a press conference earlier today, Barry Applebaum (the head of a powerful group of fruit companies) finally said his industry had decided to come clean and admit that fruit is nowhere near as good as candy. “Fruit is nature’s candy” is a common expression used by parents, doctors and smarmy health snobs to claim that fruit is a perfectly sane alternative to actual snacks.
But now Big Fruit (also known as the Big Five - made up of Apples, Bananas, Oranges, Grapes and Watermelon) have announced that even they themselves no longer believe that fruit is nature’s candy.
Executives stated that although the decades long campaign had some merit, the reality was that fruit simply isn’t as satisfying as a snickers bar or bag of chips.
Some experts have applauded the move, saying that by admitting the truth and accepting that fruit is not comparable to a bag of skittles or corn chips, fruit consumption might actually increase. The new campaign will revolve around how fruit is kinda yummy and through grass roots intiatives to guilt trip people into consuming those all-important vitamins.'
The new campaign 'It's Kinda Yummy' has been described by marketing experts as aggressively lame.
Despite the big players supporting the move, small to medium sized fruit companies are still holding out. Specifically, the Big Berry conglomerate made up of strawberries, blueberries and blackberries have refused to acknowledge this new change in branding. The berry cartels believe they are still just as cool and delicious as candy and that they have always been the true natural equivalent of candy.
With this new announcement, many are speculating whether vegetable producers will finally admit that eating vegetables is a tedious chore at the best of times. No vegetable executives responded to a request for an interview, however Capsicum Corporation released a statement stating they weren't going to play the marketing mind games of their more fun-loving rivals.
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