Barnaby Joyce Admits His Father Was A Tomato
Last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Johnny Depp claimed Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce looked like he was inbred with a tomato.
Today at a press conference Mr Joyce hit back, claiming he was Depp’s Hannibal Lecter. And when asked by a reporter which vegetable* he would be, Mr Joyce replied: "Something sleek and sensitive, just like me." At that point... a strange look of sadness passed over Mr Joyce's face. His eyes welled up, and a single slightly red tear (with a seed in it) began to trickle out and down his cheek. Mr Joyce changed the subject, wiped away the strange goo and finished the conference.
However within the last hour, Barnaby Joyce has released a statement, which reveals the actors snipe actually hit home hard. Mr Joyce has admitted that his father was in fact a tomato…
Johnny Depp made a statement which on face value seemed like a joke. But what he said struck a chord within me. It made me realise I need to be honest about my nature and where I come from. It’s time to come clean about my father. I was born in Tamworth, NSW. My mother was Marie Joyce… and although the man who raised me was a man by the name of James Joyce. My true biological father was in fact a well-ripened, somewhat large tomato.
In a press conference following the release of the statement, Barnaby Joyce answered questions regarding his father. Holding back tears (which now almost certainly are made of tomato) Mr Joyce explained life as a half-tomato half-human and what it was like growing after his fathers passing. Tomatoes, like all fruit, tend to only keep for one to two weeks at most however Mr Joyce's tomato father did live until the ripe old age of 5 human years (via being frozen and pickled) before being composted.
I remember holding him as a child. His round plump red body, I would stare back at a faint reflection on my fathers nutrient rich skin, and see myself in him.
Mr Joyce is the world’s first human/fruit hybrid and scientists have already started analysing his DNA. How exactly his mother procreated with a tomato is a mystery.
*Comedy Central Fat Cats would like to clarify that tomatoes are technically a fruit.
If all this tomato chat has made you hungry, here are some cooking tips from Chef Matthias. Chef Matthias is the bizarre character creation of sketch group Aunty Donna, check him out in this episode from Comedy Central’s first local commission “Trendy” by Aunty Donna:
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