Catholic Church Declares Ice Skating As The Holiest Sport

Pope Francis calls the sport the “closest humans will come to walking on water” – a hobby of their Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ.

Monday, January 4, 2016 - 10:14

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Jesus Christ was a man of many talents. He could turn water into wine and ideas into cold hard cash… but he could also walk on water.

This year, in his annual review of religion and sports, Pope Francis (the overlord of Catholics everywhere) officially deemed ice skating the closest sport to walking on water, stating: “He walked on water, we shall skate on ice.”

The official statement from the Vatican has made ice-skating the number one hobby throughout South America, as well as in a number of countries across continental Europe.

“He walked on water, we shall skate on ice”

Here in Australia, George Pell (the Australian overlord of Catholics) has stated that ice-skating should be made a compulsory sport in all catholic schools. Countless churches and youth groups have taken to ice rinks around the country in order to express their devotion to the cross.

Ice-skating was invented in Finland 3000 years ago by pagans who worshipped a god they believed had the ability to walk on water (a claim denied by the Vatican, which states the activity was invented by Christian missionaries trying to cross a lake in order to preach the word of God).

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