We Chatted to the Workaholics About Murder, Dicks and Koalas
Today was a good day. Here at the funny factory, we chatted to the Workaholics (Adam, Blake, Anders and Kyle). We covered an array of issues from the morbid to the sexual to the deeply sexual.
We felt that the transcript does this interview the most justice. Read on young cubs of comedy:
CC: Hey guys, thanks for taking the time to chat. So Blake, this first question is for you. If you could kill any of the other three guys, who would it be and how would you do it?
Blake: If I could kill?... this is a terrible lead off question… Kyle obviously.
CC: And how would you do it?
Blake: I’d chop his head off.
CC: Would you try and cover it up?
Blake: No, I feel like if I'm killing him like that it's because I love him so much… I’d want to sit in a cell and think about what I’ve done. Like a weird self inflicted wound.
Adam: If I were you, you could take his head and shove it up his own ass because his head is already up his ass and people would be like: okay that makes sense.
Blake: I’m talking!
Kyle: Oh cos i have a big head, it’s like a big joke?
CC: Okay so to be fair, Kyle if you could kill someone in the group, who would it be and how?
Kyle: It would be Blake… I would f*ck him to death on national television… you’ve ever seen that before?
CC: Adam and Anders you can chime in as well if you have an idea.
Anders: Kyle stole my idea…
Adam: Unfortunately Kyle stole my idea too…
CC: Oh right, so you’d all kill Blake.
Blake: Either way I’m gettin’ laid…
Anders: Hang on a second, I’m gonna put razors in my butt, convince Adam to f*ck me so then he dies.
Adam: It’s a bear trap.
CC: That’s diabolical.
Kyle: I’m gonna put acid in my mouth, and suck Anders’ dick until it dissolves.
CC: So... moving on… Adam this questions for you, if you could have an interviewer ask Anders any question, what would it be?
Adam: I always imagine Anders having a big dick but I’ve only seen the top and the base of it… so I would like to know exactly the length and girth of his penis, so if you could ask him that for me I’d-really-appreciate-it-thank-you…
CC: Alright great, so the next question is for Anders… Anders I was wondering what is the length and girth of your penis?
Anders: I don’t know the metric system down under… but is 10mm small?
CC: 10mm for the length or girth?
Anders: I’ll tell you this, it’s closer to a foot than it is to zero.
CC: Okay so it’s closer to a foot than it is to zero… there’s a lot of room to move there. So Anders if you could have an interviewer ask Adam any question, what would it be?
Anders: Who is his style icon?
CC: Alright, Adam who is your style icon?
Adam: ummm… my dick is about 7 and a half inches long… and maybe about 3 and a half inches around… what was the question?
CC: Who is your style icon?
Adam: I like Jerry Goldsmith, if you don’t who he is… look him up… he’s this weird old guy that goes to all the basketball games and wears the coolest leather jackets you’ve ever seen. He’s my style icon.
Kyle: That’s so big… for the record that’s huge.
Adam: For the record, that might be the record.
CC: So Blake and Kyle, you can answer those questions as well. Or I could just put in estimates…
Kyle: Yeah, your estimate is better than my reality, so go right ahead.
CC: So, I heard you guys have a fascination with lethal Australian animals. Which ones have you heard of, and are you genuinely scared of them? Blake you can go first.
Blake: I’m pretty afraid of Koalas, I’ve heard when they’re not sleeping...they’re actually real f*cking assholes. They kinda scare me.
CC: Yeah, and they’ve also got chlamydia.
Blake: Yeah, so definitely don’t let them suck on your ding ding.
CC: They’ve got claws as well.
Anders: How do they get chlamydia?
CC: I don’t know… I think they just have it, I don't know exactly why. Adam?
Adam: Uhh… well I was… now that I know that… I’m looking to hang out with these chlamydia koalas, because you can’t get something you already have.
CC: Fair enough. Kyle? Favourite lethal animal, or the ones your most scared of?
Kyle: Well I think cheetahs are just too fast… for me… Grizzly Bears…
CC: Well lucky for you, none of those are in Australia.
Kyle: Great whites.
CC: Cool, and Anders?
Anders: Australian Kelpies, Kyle had a Kelpie…
CC: Alright, well thanks a lot for answering those… somewhat difficult questions… do you guys have any questions about the gig or Australia?
Adam: We’re excited to get down there and do it! we’ll talk about our dicks… I’d say… 8% less than we did in this conversation.
CC: That sounds healthy.
The Workaholics will be in Sydney as part of the Spectrum Now Festival on the 7th and 9th of March. They'll be hosting two nights of stand up comedy with supporting acts including: Matt Okine, Michael Hing, Cyrus Bezyan, Becky Lucas, John Cruckshank, Sam Campbell, Rhys Nicholson + more to be announced!
For more info about Spectrum Now, click here.
Can't wait to see them live? Check out clips from the latest Workaholics episode from Season 6: Death of a Salesdude
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